But I Want Cake!

Last Sunday morning I woke up as the Wicked Witch of the West. I was cruel to my husband from the very moment I was out of bed. The dishes hadn’t been done the night before; his fault. The laundry was an enormous pile of smelly and unsorted garments; his fault. The living room was scattered with papers, our bedroom with clothes, the bathroom with dirty towels: all his fault. I had to vacuum, what was he doing? I had to cook, what was he doing? Why wasn’t the office clear of clutter? Why wasn’t the trash taken out? Why did my computer stay open when it wasn’t being used? Why didn’t he x; why did he y; why didn’t he z? Why? Why? Why?

I knew I was being unfair, irrational, selfish, and unrealistic. I knew I was upset primarily because I wasn’t feeling well and I was upset at my own failures. Ten recently gained, post-wedding pounds were sitting on my mind. Health issues related to stress were starting to show up. But I felt (feel) helpless.

I feel helpless to change my past (even though God’s adoption of me promises to change that). I feel helpless to change these learned (and often sinful) behaviors, these ruts of comfort-seeking in completely unsatisfying ways…objects…idols. My insecurity rears an ugly, Medusa head. This is my insecurity driving my idolatry...

Karl didn’t ignore me in the 8 hours of my witchiness. Karl didn’t walk away, didn’t go into another room, didn’t even cower away in silence; he just stood there and took it like a man. God pursued me through my husband. God showed me his ardent love for me in the face of my ugliness, coming to a head in a car ride conversation to the 6pm church service:

Karl asked, “What do you want?”

“cake.”

“Why?” 

“Because it tastes good.” (yes, that is right, the bolded font represents a raised voice.)

“Really?”

Timidly, “I want … comfort.”

“But I want to comfort you. (pause) Jesus wants to comfort you.”

I broke down. My heart softened for the first time that day. Tears wilted down. Yes. Yes, that is what I need. I need comfort from Jesus, my savior. I need more than just Harris Teeter cake, I need eternal, everlasting, unfading, complete, never-leave-you-hungry-again-cake. I need more time with my savior. I need more time with Jesus.

…

There are only a few things that bring me comfort in this world: the Bible, my husband, and food. I wish I could eliminate the last one. I wish I could take away my years of seeking comfort in overeating and unhealthy eating. I wish I could gather enough comfort from God’s generous, undeserved, and faithful promises. I wish I could understand God and His love for me enough for it to be enough. I am not there yet.